The Fear of Fear

Throughout my life I have been crippled by fear. I only recently discovered this. I was comfortable with what life was. I always dreamed of more, but was too SCARED to make changes or take risks. I didn’t push myself any more than what was necessary. Life was fine, I was good. I was a school counselor making 65,000 a year, had insurance, a home, a husband, a supportive family. Even with all that I wasn’t happy. I got a divorce, I leased my home to a family, I quit my job. I was seeking happiness everywhere, but it was nowhere to be found.

Until…one day I decided to take a risk and face my fears. I was afraid of failure…I was afraid of FEAR itself. FEAR is a funny thing. You can be so FEARFUL of FEAR that you continue to live the life you have. I decided I would embrace my FEARS, and failures and learn from them.

FEAR#1

fear of being alone and not having a family: truth is…this no longer frightens me. I’m 34 no prospects and no children. I’ve decided to love myself and be in a relationship with me. It’s the greatest love story I’ve ever been part of. Children…well I’m God Mother to three wonderful little girls, and they brighten my day every encounter we have….and there’s always artificial insemination and adoption.

FEAR#2

fear of not being successful: This haunts me daily….because this haunts me daily I choose to make BIG goals for myself and make sure I NEVER fail. I started a business and decided to apply to graduate school. It’s time people start referring to me as DR. LIRA.

FEAR#3

fear of being by myself in public: I used to never go anywhere alone. I was scared of people approaching me or scared of speaking to others or scared of what people might think about me. Had to kill this one slowly…started with going to the movies, then a bar where I knew someone who was working there, then large venue concerts, then PARIS!! Learning to be comfortable alone was best experience I could’ve ever given to myself. Wandering  the streets of Paris alone not knowing where I was, or where I was going was the most liberating experience. I grew tremendously from it, and became evern strongrer.

FEAR#4

fear of losing everything: For years I’ve struggled with spending. I blame my ADHD brain. I tend to forget what I spend or have too much faith that no matter what…things will always be fine….even if I’m negative $1,000 in my account. I’ve learned that I can’t change the decisions I make, but I can be more wise about them. I’ve learned to create a budget and stick to it. Although recently it’s become a problem again due to this new business. Time to redo my budget. Because being in the negative is never a great experience.

Despite my many FEARS I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s better to LIVE then to be afraid. I try not to let the FEAR continue get to me, but I’m human. Daily I still FEAR FAILURE. So, I choose everyday to Get up and get things done. I keep myself extremely BUSY.  I make lists to make sure I accomplish even the smallest tasks. Sometimes I accomplish my entire list for the week and sometimes I move it to the next week. BUT I GET IT DONE!!!

FEAR feeds ANXIETY don’t allow yourself to get stuck in your FEAR. Embrace it and choose to live freely. When you feel the FEAR face it and change that fear into a PASSION….then use that PASSION to CONQUER your FEAR.

When I quit my job in the school district I was scared, but had no choice but to succeed. I took my teacher retirement and invested it all into one of my dreams that I always FEARED. Daily I ask myself “what are you doing?” and “is it worth it?”  and “Is this even going to work or be successful?”…I even think about quitting and going back to working for someone, or even going back to the schools…but then I tell myself you can’t just put 9 years of being in education to waste!!! You don’t do well with working for others!!! YOU HAVE TO KEEP GOING!! So then I create a new mini goal and get it ACCOMPLISHED! I CHANGE MY FEARS INTO A PASSIONS!!!

Learning to love myself, learning to be comfortable alone, and experiencing LIFE has taught me it’s ok to be FEARFUL as long as you don’t allow it effect the person you could become. I used to let my FEAR guide me. Now I use my FEAR to motivate me.

You always have a choice in life…choose wisely. Use your FEARs towards MOTIVATION. Ask yourself what is it that you FEAR. Write it down, then change your thoughts about it and change that FEAR into a PASSION. USE it, ACCOMPLISH it, MAKE things HAPPEN. Dont allow your FEARS to take control or cripple you. Rememeber….You are in control of you.