Growing up I used to think I needed a relationship to be happy, entertained, amused, or maybe to not be alone…We are born dependent on other human beings. The first 18 years of life we need others to survive.
Then we get older, and start living a real independent life….why do humans feel the need to still have relationships? We have jobs, and money so no need for others to house, clothe, feed, or provide money to us for fun. So really what’s the point? Yes if you read my previous blog on needing people…we all need people. If you were to wake up one day, and no one was around…and you were the only person on the planet….there would be a problem, and you probably wouldn’t last very long.
We feed off of each other. People need people, but relationships?? hmmmm makes me wonder….as a Therapist I see relationship issues daily. Whether it’s between a marriage, friendship, or intimate couple. If you choose to be in any kind of relationship problems will be encountered.
I’ve found that most of these problems, are needs not being met, or insecurities that come from deep within the person that creates self destructive thoughts. Although that person never sees it unless it’s brought to their attention…But it’s never brought up until they come to me…then I identify it, and address it. Why doesn’t their partner, or friend notice they’re suffering? Are they suffering as well? Maybe one has the ice cold heart, and are only about themselves? Maybe the other is overly emotional, and feels everything?
I’ve encountered many issues…
Why do people feel the need to cheat? Why do people stay together after one cheats? Why stay if your abused? Why would someone need to abuse another? OMG!!!! The list just keeps going. So many questions!!! So why do we need to be in relationships?
What I’ve found is that the people who experience these issues don’t know who they are. They are lost, They continued to be dependent on others their entire lives. They’ve learned to blend in, and have never truly been alone. They usually have no hobbies, and can’t tell you who they are, or what they enjoy. They may even have trouble making decisions without the input of another. In order for them to feel love, appreciation, happiness, or fun they need someone. They don’t know how to do it without another person right there. They need to feel the person next to them to feel safe, and wanted.
Come on people is that really possible…can both partners be completely satisfied living their lives making a selfish person happy. Let’s face it we are all a little selfish. Well guess what…I do believe it is possible, but it takes work.
Step one: Talk to your friend or significant other
Tell them how you’re feeling. COMMUNICATE!!! We have so much trouble communicating, because we don’t want to hurt feelings, or cause conflict. If you never say anything they will never know. Don’t be passive aggressive! USE your WORDS!!!
Step two: You must know who you are as an individual
One might ask well how the HELL do you do that? Not easy…but you need to spend time on your own doing things for you, and not for another person. So many of us live our lives to please others instead of pleasing ourselves. Oh…and that other person eats it up, and loves it!!! So they will never tell you anything different. You need to find the strength to back up, and put yourself first. If they want to be in your life they’ll get over it, if they don’t then they were never supposed to be there.
Step three: With communication comes COMPROMISE
You must learn to meet in the middle. If you’re one who doesn’t like to or give or to receive there will always be a problem. HEY!! IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! Relationships, and Friendships take work. You want to have relationships then put in the work, and sacrifice a little.
Step four: Tell your self NO ONE IS LIKE ME! PEOPLE ARE MEAN & SELFISH!
Yes it’s true! No one cares about you!! Keep telling yourself that. The more you remind yourself that no one is like you; the less your heart will hurt due to others. You might be that person who is always there no matter what…But your friend may not be that person. You can’t help it that they SUCK as an individual, and only care about themselves.
However, if you want them in your life you can accept them for who they are. You can also not allow them to upset you when they forget about you, or make plans with you then blow them off. Or when they happen to forget to respond to your messages until they need something, but you will always respond to them…Shit happens you learn, and you move on. Don’t let them control your emotions. Same goes with significant others.
LAST Step: Put yourself first in a positive way
Know who you are, Communicate, practice self-control, find your self-love. When you love yourself you can give others that same love. If you are not sure of who you are, and you aren’t comfortable with you…Then how can you love another; if you don’t love yourself?
You are in control, so decide…Stay in a love-less relationship with yourself, and continue to struggle with relationships, Or discover your self-Love. When you love yourself you won’t depend on others to meet your needs; you’ll meet them on your own. Then when someone comes along, and wants to be in your life whether friend, boyfriend, husband, girlfriend or wife…you’ll be confident, and won’t allow them to take control of your emotions, thoughts, or behaviors.
It is possible to find happiness, but you must find it within yourself first! Need help to discover yourself, and find self-love. Contact me.