Emotional Detachment & Dating

“Dating” today is ridiculous and scary. No wonder people stay in bad relationships. It’s comfortable. It’s easy. They tell themselves…Yeah, I’m not happy, but it’s better than dating. TRUTH!!! I’ve been in the dating world for the past 4 years. And dating isn’t what it used to be. It can be very discouraging and disappointing.

When I was allowed to date from 17-18. “Dating” meant becoming someone’s girlfriend. Friends would play matchmaker to get you to date, someone. So I did that…Then when I was in my 20s I dated again. At that time my family played matchmakers. I was taken on dates and then asked to be a girlfriend. At that age, after you’re a girlfriend for a while, you moved in together. So I did that twice…The last time I was like 29. So, at that age, you get married!! Right??? and then live happily ever after…SIKE!! Now I’m single…And dating today is just not like that.

I’ve met men at work, bars, clubs, and dating sites…They have typically all been the same. Wanting one thing…Their cake and to eat it too…with a side of all their other favorite stuff!! There have been a few exceptions. Yes, there are good men out there. BUT…What has happened to real “dating???” Does it even exist? Today they will immediately ask you to come to their home. Or take you out once to make you think it’s going to continue…but then it doesn’t.

I have friends who are so frightened to date that they just don’t. They continue to go back to past loves that have broken their hearts just to avoid the “dating mess.” Then they continuously get hurt because they go back to what hurt them. People stay in passionless relationships just to have someone close to them. It’s soooooo SAD!! We all deserve PASSION!! We all deserve to find strong CONNECTIONS!! But does it exist? I think it does, but in this world, it’s hard to find.

Today, there are so many different options. Men and women change their minds constantly. Always looking for something better…or just looking for something and not knowing what…or they’re just getting out of relationships and not ready for something serious, but wanting something for now. Because of this, I have learned to detach myself from any emotions related to the person I choose to be with. Before I learned this technique I was crying and hurt ALL THE TIME!!! It sucked. But I’m extremely passionate about anything or anyone I can find a strong connection with. This is my downfall because it comes with A LOT of pain. So, I will continue to do this until I meet a man who can complement my life.

What does it mean to detach?? I try not to allow anyone’s actions to affect me directly in a negative way. If they don’t want to talk to me If they don’t want to spend time with me If they don’t want to invite me out If they don’t want to message me during the day telling me they are thinking about me If they don’t want to be intimate with me If they don’t want to put effort into me…I try to brush it off. I tell myself it has nothing to do with me. Most of the time it doesn’t…they just don’t know what they want…and most of the time neither do I.

I would normally get all in my FEELS any time this happened…and get sad and ask, what I did wrong. But honestly, I usually don’t do anything to deserve the above behaviors. Nobody ever does. BUT, YES IT HAPPENS!!!  I taught myself to recognize the behavior and choose to do the opposite. I taught myself to try not to give them all my emotional passionate energy, which is hard to do…the more I give the harder it is to do this. But I deserve the BEST…so…They don’t want to talk to me…ok…someone else does. They don’t want to spend time with me…ok…someone else does…

Why should I allow their actions to hurt me?? It doesn’t make sense. I might give them myself, and show them I enjoy them and want to be with them…But if they don’t reciprocate…I can’t allow myself to feel pain due to their actions.  If a man wants you…he will call, he will take you out, he will spend time with you…he will make it known to all. If he doesn’t then he doesn’t want you. Why be sad because he doesn’t want you? Men if a woman wants you we will respond every time you reach out to us. And we will keep coming back. We are simple. Even a completely closed-off woman will eventually respond if they are interested in a man. We were born with a fairy tale mentality…we secretly want the happily ever after.

I know it seems cold to detach. But if you’re with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate, and isn’t responsive to your communication…Why allow them to take control of your emotions or actions? You’re stronger than that. You’re in control of YOU. Detaching is not easy. Especially if you are a person who loves and feels with all of your soul. It took me many years to master this. And honestly, I still struggle with it. I have to talk to myself to bring myself back to reality. The reality is usually that they just aren’t the right person for me and it’s time to move on.

It takes work, but it can be done. And yes it can be undone when you meet a man who wants your time, affection, and compliments your life. Want to learn how to detach in a healthy way to protect your heart?? Or have you had your heart broken and need to heal? Book an appointment and the Counselors at Positive Soul Holistic Therapy can guide you. 210-858-6127.